Stress, Anger and Your Partner

"Steven," the voice on the phone pleaded, "I need anger management classes right away. I blew up at my wife last night and she said it’s over until I get help".

As Frank recounted the first night of class, he and his wife had argued in the car over which route to take home from a party. Events progressed from mild irritation, to yelling and name calling.

Things escalated at home. He tried to escape, but she followed him from room to room, demanding resolution of the conflict. He became angry, defensive and intimidating.

Frightened, she left. Later, she left an anguished message saying that she loved him, but couldn't deal with his angry, hurtful outbursts.

Frank said that he normally is a very “nice” and friendly person. But, on this occasion, his girlfriend had been drinking before the party. In his view, she was irrational, and non-stop in criticism. He tried to reason with her, but it just made things worse. Finally, as Frank saw things, in desperation he “lost it” and became enraged.

How should Frank have handled this situation? What could he have done differently? What actions should you take in similar situations?

New research by John Gottman, Ph.D., at the University of Washington indicates that when you and your partner argue, your pulse rate goes above 100 beats per minute, and you enter a physiological state called DPA (Diffuse Physiological Arousal). Once there, it becomes nearly impossible to solve the problem. You lose perspective. Your reasoning ability, memory, and judgment, greatly decline.

Taking a time-out allows both of you to return to your normal state of mind.

It is neither healthy nor necessary for you to explode as a result of being provoked by your partner. Our recommendation: Turn the heat down rather than intensifying the pressure by not interacting in one or more of the following ways:

Inattention - simply ignoring your partner when you shouldn’t. This is also called stonewalling, or being emotionally unavailable when your partner needs you, or not speaking to your partner for long periods because you are upset with them.

Intimidation - engaging in behavior intended to make your partner do things out of fear. This includes yelling, screaming, throwing things, and posturing in a threatening way (physical violence).

Manipulation - doing or saying things to influence your partner, for your benefit, instead of theirs or for the benefit of the relationship.

Hostility - using sarcasm, put-downs, and antagonistic remarks. Extreme or prolonged hostility leads to contempt – a major predictor of divorce.

Vengeance - the need to “get even” with your partner for a grievance you have against them. Many dysfunctional couples “keep score,” and are constantly trying to “pay back” each other for offenses.

Criticism – involves attacking someone’s personality or character, rather than a specific behavior, often coupled with blame. Like contempt, criticism is a second major predictor of divorce.

To get more information about how The WIN Institute can help you with your Stress, Anger and/or Aggressive Behavior and improve your communication skills, please contact:

Steven W. Clark, JD, CAMF, CDVF
The WIN Institute
763-913-0130
Web Site: www.thewininstitute.org
Blog Site: www.thewininstitute.blogspot.com